Don’t like someone? They could be you.

Published by neil on September 8th, 2006 2 Comments »

There are very few people in the world who a take an instinctive dislike to – I’m talking on a deep level here, not superficial. In the process of exploring the psychology behind one such instinctive reaction – people are fascinating, good or bad – I discovered a great deal about myself.

A few years ago I realised a growing, instinctive and wholly irrational dislike to a new member of my then extended family. There was simply no logical reason for it, but I felt uncomfortable being in the same room as them and avoided engaging them in conversation wherever possible. This was a worrying reaction as it was clear they were going to stick around and there would have to be fairly regular contact.

This got me looking into the reasons why there can sometimes be a subconscious and apparently irrational dislike formed for another person. An answer eluded me until I came across a book which talked in some depth about inter-personal relationships and the emotional dynamic between them. Oddly enough, although I cannot remember exactly which book it was, this wasn’t a book on psychology; it was. if memory serves me, a book on writing character dialogue and inter-personal relationships for TV and film!

Essentially, we can dislike someone because they seem to mirror aspects of ourselves about which we feel negatively – our bad points. But these aren’t just our normal, everyday, irritating little quirks; these are the deepest, darkest, most repressed aspects we find difficult to even admit to ourselves.

My immediate reaction was: “Claptrap! The reason I don’t like them is because they are the complete opposite of me. There’s no way I have anything in common with that person!”

Further thought started to reveal subtle aspects of similarity, however. Certain core motivations, although sometimes outwardly expressed very differently, were similarly aligned. And they were the kind of uncomfortable motivations I used to struggle with in my own acceptance of who I was. Through the understanding of my reaction to someone else, I learned to understand myself; step one to accepting oneself.

So the next time you take an instinctive dislike of anyone you have dealings with, particularly if that dislike grows the more you learn of that other person, look very carefully at yourself – someone you dislike can be a very revealing mirror.

[tags]people, psychology[/tags]

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