InLine OutLine I

The unbelievably accurate guide to starting skating

by Neil Dixon

Having taken the fateful decision to try inline skating, and being of a less than athletic physique I thought some tips for the like minded non-conventional skater would be useful.

To get started you’ll need the right equipment. To get the right equipment you’ll need to find a skate shop. You can always tell a skate shop as it will have the word ’skate’ in the title, such as, Skate City, Skate World, World of Skates, Skate U Like or Skate and Chips (my favourite). You’ll know you’re in the right place as everyone looks like they’ve just been to a shop which insists on only selling clothes at least four sizes too large.

You’ll be lucky to see any skates at first as the display wall is hidden by a thronging mass of ogling teenagers, so preoccupied that they will not even notice your entrance unless you have very large breasts. I tried this once but was thrown out, so take care.

Expect to be greeted by a broad, warm smile from the assistant behind the counter as he realises you are the only occupant of the shop who actually might buy something. As he moves toward the skates on display, the throng clears a passage, not unlike the parting of the Red Sea, and only a little less miraculous.

A skate shop is generally packed with all sorts of goodies to entice you to spend more money after buying your skates. Most trinkets are packaged with words like ‘extreme’, ‘pro’, ‘competition’ or ‘much better than the crap on your skates’

Replacement wheels are packaged in bright luminescent packaging which resembles the graphics on the wheels themselves. You should keep the box so you can remember what the wheels looked like before they were exposed to abrasive asphalt for about 30 seconds.

Apart from your skates you will need some equipment to protect yourself in your initial gravity-influenced adventures with wheels stuck on the soles of your boots. Unfortunately you will not get anything to protect your embarrassment, but you can always nip into a chemist for some sunglasses and cut up an old brown mohair pullover to make a false beard and wig (lady skaters are advised to improvise an alternative disguise). You could also travel at least 30 miles to use your skates, but we all know that the loudmouth embarrassing jerk from the pub will be following just behind and you can bet he has a camcorder with Jeremy Beadle’s address taped to it.

Pads are designed to protect all the areas that stick out when you’re skating, knees, hands, elbows, head, but not that most prominent naturally padded place of all, your bum. However, you get some hint of their effectiveness when the assistant says ‘Well these are really only to protect your clothes.’Yeah, right, like I’m going out in my sequined chiffon leotard. Sorry, er…I meant my expensive branded jeans .

If you’re really worried about injury you could go all the way and buy hockey pads. These are basically layers of foam, rubber and material with the aim of transforming you into an extra from ‘Revenge of the Cyborg’. This means that if you’re not altogether waif-like, you will look like an extra from ‘Revenge of the Jo Brand Cyborg’, only with more sensible hair.

The hockey stick is perhaps the most useful item. This can be used for:

a) stabilising yourself during a moment of pre-tumble excitement (this consists of the twelve minutes, of vigorous gesticulation just before your skates, feet attached, head off individually in a random direction)

b) hitting people out of your way when at speed and out of control (hopefully their subsequent concussion will induce amnesia thereby reducing any future embarrassment or legal action)

c) growing runner beans up it

d) playing hockey.

The padding clearly comes in to its own in one very important and all too common situation. Just remember, nothing improves your will to succeed quicker than an attractive young woman strolling down the path toward you. Nothing destroys your ability to stay in a vertical position quicker than an attractive young woman…etc.

But that’s another story.