InLine OutLine II
The unbelievably accurate guide to starting skating
by Neil Dixon
Getting the skates on your feet and plucking up the courage to make an attempt at standing up is the easy part. The much more challenging part is in locating an appropriate area to skate in the first place.
When searching for an area there are a number of criteria you should consider:
1. It should not be an area where other skaters hang out
Definition i: other skaters; clearly much more experienced people who look like they were born with wheels on their feet and successfully undertaking the kinds of manoeuvres you thought were only possible with a winch and a small light aircraft
Definition ii: you; clearly having experienced footwear no more challenging than platform shoes.
2. It must not be an area where children hang out - on sight of you they will immediately rush indoors for their skates and spend their time either getting in your way, graphically describing their injuries received while attempting a particularly tricky grind, or attempting to hold a impromptu roller hockey tournament.
3. It should be a smooth, open area with nothing more than a gentle slope.
Definition iii: gentle slope; that most indiscernible of inclines which will result in acceleration to breath-taking speeds the moment you place your skates on the ground.
Definition iv: breath-taking speeds; terrifying velocity experienced by the novice skater, upon which no amount of synchronised screaming and whirling arm-movements will have effect. Also, speed equivalent to a very slow walking pace when experienced at any time other than skating.
Car Parks
These are probably the most accessible open areas of asphalt to be found in our towns and cities. You must choose one that has few obstacles, but remember that if you keep bumping into things you probably need to wait until all the cars have gone.
Care should always be taken where cars and particularly their drivers are concerned. There is a very long list of things car drivers do not expect to encounter while negotiating their way around a vehicle parking facility. Some way down that list, after omnivorous hoofed bristly mammals with degrees in avionics, come novice inline skaters.
Impact with moving cars can, of course, be dangerous. If you’re particularly unlucky you may be involved in a collision with a stationery company’s delivery van and we all know just how painful and irritating a paper cut can be.
The top floor of a multistory car park is certainly not the best place to skate, especially one with a spiralling exit ramp (if I need to explain why, then I suggest you return your skates for a refund immediately - or if they are particularly nice just send them to me at the usual address).
The large, flat, open, supermarket car parks offer their own unique challenges to the skater. These consist primarily of:
1. other idiots trying to learn to skate
2. learner drivers with a complete inability to deal with all those essential driving skills such as arranging their hair in the rear mirror, pacifying the screaming baby in the back seat, locating their unlabelled Pet Shop Boys tape because they’re fed up with their unlabelled Phil Collins tape, operating some pedal-type things with their feet while turning some wheel-shaped thing with their hands thus creating uniquely interesting and entirely unpredictable moving obstacles
3. shopping trolleys laden with children who cannot afford skates and who have no sense of direction yet are mysteriously skilful at manoeuvring the trolleys in a straight line (I have it on good authority that this is the idea for a future episode of the X-files)
4. objects which upset your balance
Definition v: objects which upset your balance; very, very small, almost invisible, discarded pieces of nothing in particular which are precision engineered to lock perfectly between your skate’s wheels resulting in a unique, energetic choreography that I doubt will be included in the next rewrite of Starlight Express. Also that which ultimately causes bruising.
The best time to turn up at your local supermarket is just before closing. Put on your skates, grab a trolley then whiz around the supermarket on their beautifully smooth floors. The trolley acts as a handy stabilising device and also doubles as a useful means of transporting those last few forgotten packs of dubious looking over-priced breakfast cereal, which probably turns the milk the colour of something you normally scrape off your shoes and which your children yelled at you for forgetting last Thursday. The trolley is a particularly useful skate training tool as its compulsion to move off in an entirely undetermined direction will prepare you for the adventures to come.
Definition vi: adventures to come; attempting to skate in a straight line but experiencing the behaviour of a shopping trolley (but that’s another story)
Parks
If you have a dog try taking him for a walk with your skates on (that’s you in the skates, not the dog). He can pull you around so you can get accustomed to the feeling of speed, but beware of making an unscheduled appearance in an advertisement for female sanitary products.
In most cases you can also have a considerable amount of control over the dog’s direction if you ensure a good supply of chocolate drops; throw one in the direction you wish to head and the dog should follow it. You would be well advised to ensure there are no cats or postmen or lamp posts in the area before you venture out.
Motorways
These are some of the largest areas of asphalt around. Unlike a car park, you are less likely to come across any moving vehicles, particularly on the M25. Just remember not to hog the middle lane and hold up the other traffic and should you be unlucky and break down, play safe by leaving your skates in the hard shoulder and standing on the embankment away from the traffic until a rescue vehicle arrives.
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I don’t think you’re being self-righteous at all. It’s difficult to do work that clearly is not the solution it could be and should be. I come from a print career and the amount of pieces I produced that would never engage or entice the ‘target audience’ was astounding. (And these were often print runs of a million pieces or more.) Whether it’s print or web, one must understand the end user and the way they respond (and need to respond) to what’s in front of them.
Cute graphics and flashy interfaces are great for a portfolio’s ‘wow’ appeal but never tell the whole story. Is it impressive to have a gorgeous looking site in your CV package but the company went under because you didn’t assess (or chose to ignore) the click habits of it’s core market? In that situation a web designer becomes no more reliable or useful than a shifty used car salesman. Waxing a broken car won’t make it run better. The client loses and the designer is left with blood on his hands.
A client deserves to be given the best chance for success by the person they are employing and entrusting to better their presence in their focus market. Without the right attention to the space a company can fold because of poor planning in print and web campaigns.
So no, you are not self-righteous in your quest to do the right thing for the right reasons. That’s why you get the good solo work you do. You don’t flippantly apply flashy solutions‚Äî you give the right solutions for the project. It’s just a shame there’s not more of you out there that understand that principle. Don’t give up on trying to hoist the flag for usability and sound approaches. I know you can produce gorgeous sites, but I also know that you don’t do it without making sure the core purpose is airtight first. You tune the car and then apply the wax, and dammit, that’s how it should be.
Dig out the hockey stick from your foray into the inline skating world.
Apply vigorously and rapidly to the heads of inexperienced developers.
Bury them in Wales.
Tell client you’ll bravely carry on without them.
Problem solved.
Damn those pesky NDAs