InLine OutLine III
The unbelievably accurate guide to starting skating
by Neil Dixon
Stopping is very important
Now, this may sound like an obvious statement, but if you are anything like me (doesn’t that hair in your nose just get on your nerves?) then you’ll have just pointed yourself down the nearest slope before realising it’s been 25 years since you last strapped on your adjustable, metal framed hand-me-down skates with the free handy spanner, onto your shoes, and you were no good at it then!
When learning to stop you are going to fall so I advise wrapping a 13.5 tog duvet will survive contact with asphalt, but if you’ve that much leather in your bedroom I doubt you have the time to be out skating! (Please send photographs to me in a plain brown envelope at the usual address).
Heel Stop
This is probably the first stopping technique you’ll want to try. You see, that little rubber block attached to the back of your right skate is just too enticing. But notice one thing of utmost importance; how many experienced skaters still have one?
The reason for this is quite simple. Experienced skaters have removed all aspects of their skating that makes them look a complete arse. If you actually master the heel stop technique then discard any thoughts of retaining that cool, sophisticated, haven’t a care in the world as I glide my way down the street on the trendiest pieces of sport equipment to reach this corner of the galaxy, image. If you do it well, at best you’ll look like you’ve had an accident involving your underwear, but if you are unsuccessful then your ‘image’ will be the last thing on your mind.
Experts have discovered long ago that the principle underlying the heel brake is, as you will have guessed, friction. Just push your foot sightly forward and lift the toe, thus bringing the rubber block in contact with the ground.
However, the friction which actually allows you to stop is actually that generated between the asphalt and virtually every other part of your body as you feebly attempt to: a) stay upright; b) stay in a reasonable-looking crouch position with your hands waving erratically to keep balance, and c) stay out of hospital.
So, if this technique leaves a little to be desired, what other options are open to the novice skater seeking better ways to stop than heading for the nearest brick wall.
The lamp post stop
When this stop is not correctly performed (whenever you are being watched), the retention of your ability to bear/sire children is at risk.
The stop is quite straightforward and when properly executed can make onlookers think you’ve invented a new form of skating choreography.
The technique is to ensure that your hands reach the lamp post before your skates, and that your skates are aligned to one side, rather than either side of the lamp post. This results in a smooth rotation which absorbs your forward momentum as you pivot around the post. Care should be taken when attempting this stop at high speed with out prior desensitisation to excessive g-forces (please look up your local fighter pilot in the Yellow Pages).
When this stop is not correctly performed (whenever you are being watched), the retention of your ability to bear/sire children is at risk. The severity of the potential disorder is determined by a number of factors
1. Your velocity at impact with the lamp post.
2. Your grip on a lamp post to which has recently been applied, that warm, wet and unpleasant means of canine communication.
3. The effect on your skidding resistance by that other, generally more coagulated form of canine communication.
4. The use of a traditional item of male sports protection; or for the ladies, several layers of winged sanitary items - please remember that the ‘internal’ variety are somewhat ineffective in this situation, unless several box fulls are distributed liberally throughout your underwear (applicators removed, of course).
Clothes Stop
Clothing is a great asset in controlling your speed. I suspect you’ve wondered why skaters wear such baggy clothes.
Shorts are the most effective device. Most skater’s shorts come down just below the knee, which is a simple and effective means of controlling their operation. When you have discovered the need to slow down simply bend your knees, lift the legs of your shorts slightly and they will billow out creating a windsock effect, resulting in significantly increased wind resistance. Instant air-brakes!
There are a few things to be aware of:
1. Care should be taken as wind direction plays an important part and could easily effect your deceleration (upwind stopping is always recommended)
2. Correct undergarments are advisable as the billowing effect of the shorts could cause considerable distress to onlookers from certain angles
The T Stop
The T stop is also known as the ‘make sure you can afford a new set of wheels before you try to stop’ stop. This braking method consists of dragging one skate behind you, perpendicular to your direction of movement. The subsequent gashes in your wheels can add an attractive textured element to your skates’ overall look, but will also add a little vibration.
It’s also when you nip into your Aunty’s for a quick cuppa’ on the way home.
Bus Stop
Not to be confused with anything other than a means of waiting for local transport. I took the bus home after skating one afternoon, but my mum told me to take it back.
Door Stop
Don’t be silly, this is a wedge-shaped device which can be used to keep doors ajar in breezy conditions.
